Rarely do two people simultaneously recognize a difference in
positions or interests. The second person will know it soon thereafter.
That first person usually has the greatest opportunity to influence
whether the conflict will escalate and harden. He has a choice. That choice,
more than any other action he will take, will fundamentally influence his
ability to find satisfaction in the situation. In that pivotal moment he can
turn in one of two directions. It should be understood that there are no
neutral actions, especially when our antennae are up in anticipation of
a fight.
A lot happens in those first few moments when one person realizes the
possibility of loss—every conflict represents a perceived potential loss
of some kind. He can lower his antenna in an attempt to foster a positive
response to the other person. He can become open and act in an open
manner so that he can find a compromise as things unfold. On the other
hand, he can close up and look for more signs of disagreement. He can
stop looking for signs of goodwill and agreement. His attitude and action
can set the tone and influence the situation, the rules by which they will
engage in discussion, and the tempo of the action. Actually, some
apparent differences can be resolved even before the other person realizes
there is a conflict. The first person can choose to observe the situation
coolly, looking for ways to settle the matter without engaging the other
person in discussion. The second person in the situation can also use
that pivotal point to stay open, even if the first person has already acted,
but the second person’s actions will have less effect in the situation.
Tip: Connect with others through what they most value.
Suppose you are that first person to experience a conflict arising. You
feel vulnerable and instinctively put your guard up. Ironically that
reaction will make you even more vulnerable. Because you are signaling
that your position is weak, you are unwittingly guiding the energy of
the ensuing disagreement to your most vulnerable areas. That is why,
in that pivotal moment, your choice towards remaining open serves
not only to move you toward eventual resolution, but also to protect
you. You will be less of a target and attract less escalation toward
conflict, because you will be acting as if the conflict won’t occur.
You will appear more safe to others in the situation, and you will
maintain more options, including the option to escalate later on.
Instead of following your natural instinct to look for more bad signs
and prepare to defend yourself or retaliate, you will find it natural to
stay aware and open. You will then gain more information about the
situation and more insight into the motivation and real meaning of
the other person’s actions.
Tip: There are two kinds of pain: pain of risk and pain of regret.
In that moment when you first experience the body prickle of heat
remember that reward. It won’t be easy, but it will be easier than the
alternatives.
Once you’ve practiced it you will know what I am saying is true.
Power flows towards you when you use the pivotal point and try
to make peace. Hard as it may be to believe right now, your
conscious choice to do this will eventually become habitual over time.
Here's a four-step method that you can use to gain more pleasure
and less pain out of your daily interactions so you can cultivate
healthy teams and relationships. Make your pledge now to read
and start practicing with the next person you encounter so you
can experience the difference in your life patterns.
Tip: Say what you want others to hear only after they have seen
what they need to see in you.
The Roundtrip to Resolution
In conflict we usually get more clear and also more intense about
what we don’t want, rather than what we do want. We simply
react—we don’t choose how we want to act. By so doing, we give
our power away by letting others determine our behavior. It’s always
more productive to be proactive, to see how you can clear the air.
The benefits to both parties are obvious: if it’s a relationship you
wish to continue, you can do so; if it isn’t, you can at least be civil to
the people whenever you meet them. You haven’t created an enemy.
I know it is difficult to reach an agreement when tension is rising, but if
you follow these four steps, it is easier to reach a resolution to conflict
than any alternative I have found. If you are serious about wanting to
change your method of operating in the world, please memorize and
practice these four steps every day in the low- level conflicts that will
arise frequently in your office, in your manufacturing plant, in your
home. These little deals can escalate into full-blown conflicts that will
leave lifelong scars if you don’t react appropriately. With a Roundtrip,
you can salvage the various relationships, even though it may not
seem worthwhile in the heat of the moment.
If you steady yourself and decide to be active rather than reactive,
you will be proud and satisfied with the results and the ensuing
relationships. It’s an accomplishment that is well worth the effort.
The following is a brief summary of the four steps.
Step One - Tell Yourself the Truth
We humans build a wall around ourselves, a defense system that
clicks into operation whenever we feel affronted in any way. In a
moment of confrontation, either real or imagined, we escalate into
the hottest negative reaction we can summon. At such moments,
we need to slow down the process and seek personal clarity by
asking the important question: What do we want? What’s our
bottom line?
Step Two - Reach Out to the Other Side
Ask yourself these questions. What is this other side’s greatest
need? What is most important to them? These questions are
particularly important if the other side doesn’t know their greatest
need.
Tip: You often don't know what you don't know. Get the facts,
or the facts will get you.
Step Three - Listen Attentively to the Other Side
Listen to the other side and demonstrate to them that you have
heard their concerns. Proper respect must be shown at all times,
You must mean it. Attitude and words must be respectful and
responsive. Power plays will not work at this stage, or later on
for that matter. This is often the most crucial time in a conflict,
when your actions can either spark escalation or initiate a
cooling off period. Don’t rush or push now. The more you dislike
the other side, the more time and effort you must summon to
prove that you are indeed listening, that you are aware of their
needs.
Tip: Don't try to deduce other people's intentions from your own
fears
Step Four—Prove You Are Fair
When you propose a solution, prove that you are fair, by
addressing the other person’s interests first. Describe, in
their language, how they can benefit. Then you can discuss
the benefits of such a resolution to yourself as well.
This is a way of showing proper respect.
It’s important to keep this Roundtrip in your mind and to use
it frequently in every skirmish that arises on the path to
resolution. A Roundtrip will work because it teaches you how
to go slow in order to go fast. What seems like an agonizingly
slow process will prove to be a fast lane to resolution. Please
spend enough time to get clear about the two most important
factors at every stage in the negotiation: your most important
need and the other person’s most important need.
By taking the time (the first two steps of the Roundtrip), you will
get centered and accumulate the information necessary to formulate
the correct approach to the situation. Then and only then, you can
move more quickly. The beginning of a conflict is the time to become
sure of what you are doing, to slow yourself down to the point where
you can be honest about yourself and empathic about the other
person. After these two steps, you will find yourself calm and poised.
You will know the other side’s hot buttons, motivations, needs.
What are they protecting? What is their image? What is causing
them to be aggressive? What will make them feel better? By doing this
work, you will be present, not locked behind your own wall. This will
enable the other side to drop their defenses as well. Don’t let the other
side trigger a response from you. You and only you will choose how
you will behave.
Ten Ways You Can Stop a Conflict from Escalating
- By thinking about your own needs in Step One, you zero out
the resentment of the other side. Essentially, since you no longer
will consider them the enemy, you have curbed their resentment.
- A Roundtrip helps you main your objectivity. It’s far more difficult
to resolve conflicts when you have strong emotions about the other
person.
- Since Step One requires you to identify your own need first, it
eliminates the natural frustration you would feel in not knowing
what you want.
- By taking the time for Step Two, you slow down the pace of
the discussion. Rushing the beginning of a relationship often makes
the other person shut down.
- Step Two also helps you avoid the easy assumption that the same
kind of offer works for every person and situation.
- Step Two prevents you from being overpowering, thus preventing
the other side’s natural antagonism from increasing.
- By speaking first to the other side’s needs in Step Three, you
demonstrate that you have placed their needs above yours, and you
therefore avoid appearing selfish and unfair.
- With Step Three, you do not appear to be an antagonist. It’s a
maneuver that will help heal the situation.
- With Step Three, you are more likely to propose solutions the other
side can accept because you have given yourself more time to recognize
what they want most and want most to avoid. You make fewer untested
assumptions about the other side’s needs and desires. Consequently,
you will not appear oblivious or thoughtless.
- In summary, by taking a Roundtrip, you will always be able to find
the best mutual interest, even if you are given a very short time to make
a decision.
Tip: Because we respond more strongly to the negative actions of
people for whom we have strong feelings than to those of strangers,
allow yourself more time to get back in balance in these cases.
Ten Approaches for Offering Your Solution
Picture Each Person Benefiting in Some Way.
You have come up with a proposal you think is fair to all parties
and have shaped your offer so that the everyone will see it in
the best light possible. Before you speak about your own needs, you
have addressed their needs first and worked through whatever
obstacles or power issues that have surfaced. Now it’s time to make
a firm offer. You hope that it will be accepted quickly without fuss.
However, in the real world even the best proposal won’t go through
if it is presented in a way people can’t accept. Your manner of
presenting your proposal will be more important than its solid core.
There are surefire ways to sabotage a good offer. Present it with
open contempt for the other side. Give in to your fear that it won’t be
accepted. Act in anger or with animosity. Bully others or play king of
the mountain. According to Abraham Maslow, “People take action in
order to satisfy essential human needs.
Tip: Everyone needs to feel heard before they'll listen.
Don’t Talk Before You Are Prepared to Reach Agreement
If you start talking with the other person before you are ready to
reach an agreement you could wind up with less than you want. Be
sure You have gotten what you want out of the situation (Step 1).
The other person has felt heard.
You are emotionally ready to settle.
Check your heart and your mind before you open your mouth to
seek closure to the conflict.
Tip: The more opportunities you provide for others to participate in
a situation along the way, the more likely they will stay with you to
ultimately find a solution.
Demonstrate Continued Good Will
At the beginning of conflict, we look for signals from others that tell
us how they will act. Later we use these signals a screen through
which we view their actions. Because first impressions make the
strongest impact. So when presenting your proposal, make sure your
initial tone, gestures, and language show that you have good
intentions. Succeeding impressions are not so important. New,
different information about what someone is like is often disregarded.
Continue to be congenial, specifically because this could be the state
when you get more impatient, restless, or judgmental as you become
tired of the process and the other side. You might try to
Minimize your defensiveness.
Bring out the other’s better sides.
Orient yourself so that you will look for the other side’s more
positive traits.
Demonstrate your own best traits.
People are more inclined to be willing to resolve a conflict with
someone they consider fair than with someone they like, but don’t
trust.
Don’t Leave Your Most Important Points for Last
Don’t raise your important points at the beginning of the discussion,
nor at the end of the discussion. Waiting until the end can close off
some of the best options for trade-offs. Reach agreement on your key
items before you make any gesture toward finalizing agreement.
When the other side avoids discussion of their most important needs,
their avoidance will eventually impede progress toward resolution.
Ask Another, Mutually Respected Person to Mediate When
Necessary
A fair and neutral witness can make everyone involved in a conflict
feel safer and more heard, especially when it’s necessary to review
items over which you have become deadlocked. This person may
be a friend, colleague, or a professional mediator. It doesn’t matter
as long as the person chosen by both sides has the training and
strength of character to stay focused on the solution, whether you
are using the Roundtrip or another approach.
It’s also wise to have a third party act as witness to your final
agreement. It’s an extra bit of insurance—sometimes the other side
may not live up to the agreement, and if there is a witness, it’s harder
to avoid making commitments.
Stay Flexible
Be, and appear to be, flexible to keep the momentum going towards
a resolution. This flexibility also will restore the momentum where
you have gotten off track.
Observe how the others are reacting to you and your proposal.
Stay flexible so that you can correct yourself and shift gears to make
the situation to feel safer and more fair. If feelings seem to be
escalating or the other person appears to be shutting down, ask
for suggestions and express your willingness to look at other options.
If you appear to grow more rigid, even if the other side is doing it
too, the others will become wary, suspicious of all your future
suggestions.
Tip: Keep cool under fire by keeping your bottom line on top of
your mind.
Honor Everyone Else’s Role in Coming to Terms
It’s important to acknowledge the participation of others.
Listen and thoroughly consider other people’s opinions
at the moment they are presented. If you disagree immediately
or counter with another suggestion, reactions will remain hardened
long after this particular discussion. Acknowledge the respect you
feel for the others involved. Speak to the relationship you have built.
Mention that you respect the people who are important to the other
side. Praise specific contributions the others have made and let them
know you appreciate their efforts.
Make sure that the other side will share your satisfaction in coming
to agreement. It’s very important that the resolution appears to be
arrived at together.
Tip: "The opposite of a fact is a falsehood, but the opposite of one
profound truth may very well be another profound truth." Niels
Bohr, physicist
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