Perhaps one of the most vulnerable of moments is when someone criticizes you,
especially if that person knows you well. The scalpel of her comments can be
surgically rapid and close to the bone, more damaging than the rubber hammer
of a stranger's passing slight. Yet, as the old saying goes, "What doesn't kill
us will make us stronger."
People are most revealing when offering praise or criticism. Praise indicates
what they most like about themselves and criticism often shows what they least
like or feel least competent about in themselves. So criticism is actually a
two-way mirror. How can you respond to another's criticism with honesty and
grace and actually gain new insights about yourself and the other person in
the process?
First Recognize That You Are an Animal Under Attack
Whether you are with someone you love, hate, know little or just met, in the
first moments when you realize that you are being criticized you will react
the same. Your heart beats faster, skin temperature goes down and you even
lose peripheral vision. Because you feel under attack, your first instincts
are to focus on that feeling, making it more intense. You will then feel like
withdrawing or retaliating. Just remember that both instinctual responses are
akin to saying, "I don't like your comments therefore I will give you more
power." Attempt to do neither as both fight or flight responses leave you
with fewer options, not more.
When you focus on your feelings, you will be distracted from hearing the
content of the comments. You are more likely to react, rather than choose how
you want to act. Avoid a "face-off" of escalation of comments between the two
of you. Instead imagine a triangle of three entities: the other person, you
and the topic of the criticism. Picture you both staring at the criticism,
the third point in the triangle, to work through the comments, rather than
staring each other down, where one person has to be wrong.
Look to Their Positive Intent, Especially When They Appear to Have None
You are your most disarming when you compliment someone else for taking the
time to give you feedback. You take the wind out of their sales. The other
person may even backtrack. Yet our first instincts are to look for the ways
we are right and others are . . .less right. In responding to criticism, the
momentum of defensive emotions builds fast. Why? Because we mentally focus
on the smart, thoughtful, and "right" things we are doing, while obsessing
about the dumb, thoughtless, and otherwise wrong things the other person is
doing. This tendency leads us to take a superior or righteous position, get
more rigid, and listen less as the criticism continues.
Difficult as you might find it, try staying mindful of your worst side and
their best side as you engage in responding to the criticism. You will
probably be more generous and patient with them, and increase the chances that
they will see areas where you might be right after all. Act as if they mean
well, especially if it appears they do not, not for them, but for yourself.
The more you can look to their positive intent, the greater the likelihood
that you can respond to their comments without their adding more or
elaborating before you can respond to their first comments.
Here's an easy to remember four step process to follow when responding to a
criticism. Remember it is never comfortable to hear negative comments. I
just find this approach makes it easier than any other alternative I've found.
"AAA" Approach to Responding to Criticism
Step One: Acknowledge.
Acknowledge that you heard the person, with a pause (buys time for both to
cool off), nod, or verbal acknowledgment that demonstrates that you heard
them. Whether the criticism is "justified' or not, if you attempt to avoid
discussing it, it will loom larger in everyone's minds that heard it and stick
to you like fly paper, as you attempt to move on. Do not disagree or counter-
attack. Prove that you have heard his comment. Perhaps say "I understand
you have a concern" rather than "You shouldn't have . .. ." ). Avoid blaming
or "bad labeling" language such as "That's a lie" or "You don't know what you
are talking about." You will only pour hot coals on the heat of escalation
and harden the person into their position so she will want to elaborate.
Step Two: Ask for More.
Ask for more information so you both can cool off more and stay focussed on
the issue, not the feelings or personalities. Go slow to go faster later in
reaching agreement about how to resolve the criticism. Try to "warm up" to
the part of the person you can respect -- focus on it mentally and refer to it
verbally: "You are so dedicated" or "knowledgeable" or whatever their self-
image is that leads them toward making the criticism. The more fully the other
person feels or hears, the more likely that he will be receptive to your response,
whether it is to agree or disagree.
Step Three: Add Your Own
Add your own, asking permission first. If you believe the comments are
accurate, then say so. If an apology is in order, give it sooner rather than
later. Then say what you plan to do differently to respond to the criticism.
Ask for their response to your comments and again thank the person for being
thoughtful in offering them. The sooner you verbally agree, if you find truth
in the criticism, the more likely that you will engender respect from the
other person and any others who witness the interaction. In fact, if you tell
others who are important to that person that you were wrong and appreciate his
pointing it out to you, you will feel and appear more comfortable with
yourself.
If, on the other hand, you disagree with the comments, say "May I tell you my
perspective?" This sets the other person up to give you permission to state
your view as you have been willing to listen to theirs.
Here are some other ways to respond to criticism.
Dump Their Stuff Back in Their Lap
If someone is verbally dumping on you, do not interrupt, counter, or
counterattack in midstream, or you will only prolong and intensify their
comments. When they have finished, ask "Is there anything else you want to
add?" Then say, "What would make this situation better?" or "How can we
improve this situation in a way you believe we can both accept?"
What Will Make it Better?
Ask them to propose a solution to the issue they have raised. If they continue
to complain or attack, acknowledge you heard them each time and, like a broken
record, repeat yourself in increasingly brief language variations: "What will
make it better?" State your view and what you would like from them. if they
disagree, then ask, "What would make this situation better for both of us?"
Move the other person from a mode of criticizing to problem solving. If she or
he continues to criticize, act like a broken record. In a calm voice, again
acknowledge and ask more briefly: I understand you have a concern and we
disagree. What would make it better for us both?" If the other person
continues on the downward track of criticism, say, "I want to find a way to
resolve your concern. When do you want to talk about it next?" Then you can
remove yourself from the tone of that discussion and put the other person in
the position of initiating follow-up.
Presume Innocence
What if you believe another person is actually lying to you? "Naive you are
if you believe life favors those who aren't naive," Mason Williams once said.
Nobody wants to be told they are wrong. Whenever you have reason to believe
someone is lying or not making sense, you will not build rapport by pointing
it out to them. Allow them to save face and keep asking questions until you
lose imagination or control. Say, for example, "How does that relate to the .
. ." (then state the apparently conflicting information). You might find you
were wrong, and thus you "save face." Or, by continued non threatening
questions, you can "softly corner" the other person into self-correcting,
which protects your future relationship.
Learn How Personalities Clash
To gain insights into the kind of people who are most likely to criticize you
and why; and those you are most likely to criticize, learn more about your
personality type according to the classic Myers Briggs process. Even if you
have taken the test in the past, take a quick, free refresher course online.
Here are two places where you can both take an abbreviated version of the test
and read about what happens when different personality types clash and what
you can do to better respond:
Test 1
Test 2
Demonstrate visible goodwill upfront.
When criticized, you are more likely to find resolutions sooner when the other
person comes to trust your positive intent. Demonstrate your willingness to
find a compromise and ability to be genial even and especially if you don't
like the person or the situation. Often the best solution to a criticism
leaves both parties a little unhappy but not enough to retaliate later on.
You are both somewhat satisfied with your compromise and willing to move on.
Know that "less is often more."
Especially in the beginning, listen more, talk and move less, keep your
motions and voice lower and slower. These animal behaviors increase the
chances that others will feel more safe and comfortable around you.
Act to enable them to save face and you will preserve the relationship.
If you think they are lying, keep asking questions (until you lose control or
run out of imagination) rather than accusing them of misrepresentation.
Asking questions gives you the time to see if you were mistaken, thus possibly
saving face for yourself, while gently cornering them to make a self-admission
that they were mistaken and volunteer an alternative. You also leave room to
escalate later.
Honor commonalties more frequently than bringing up the differences.
What ever you refer to most and most intensely will be the center of your
relationship. Keep referring to the part of them and their points that you
can support and want to expand upon.
Let Them See It Differently
If the other person does not accept your response at first, consider making
the same suggestion later on and in a different way another way. Do not
overlook rearranging the same elements of a suggestion or offer to find a more
mutually attractive compromise. Choose Your Approach
Contemplate how you say what you say. Consider their perspective in how you
make any request. For example, a priest once asked his superior if he could
smoke while praying, which led to a negative answer. Yet if he'd asked if he
could pray while smoking he might have received a more positive response.
In considering any of these ways to respond to criticism, know that the worst
way is to keep it inside and festering. Your reaction will always show one way
or the other. I would most welcome your thoughts about methods that have
worked for you. Please e-mail them to me at kare@sayitbetter.com.
Getting What You Want : How to Reach Agreement and Resolve Conflict Every Time
Gut instincts expert, author, and speaker Kare Anderson is an upbeat conference opener or closing keynoter.
Her warmth, memorably titled tips such as "Go Slow to Go
Fast," dry wit, and frequent references to the situations of
hottest interest to attendees, cause people to leave laughing
and talking about what they've heard.
Learn ways to "Say It Better" in how you speak, appear, write, and
create the work and other settings of your life. Whether you want to
learn ways to lead, persuade, negotiate, sell, resolve conflict, or design
a compelling physical setting, Say it Better is the place to visit again
and again to see the latest ideas from our growing list of expert
contributors.
SAY IT BETTER
15 Sausalito Blvd.
Sausalito, CA 94954-2464.
http://www.sayitbetter.com
KARE ANDERSON : kare@sayitbetter.com
Learn how to operate a profitable business on the internet. Our courses are created with gotta-have information by top experts. 
This database consists of newsletter publishers such as yourself open to swapping ad space within their publication. Join forces to obtain a greater marketing reach at no cost.
Read over 200 comments on what your peers think are the important elements to entrepreneurial success in the future. 
Recommend this page