Suppose a colleague gives you a compliment as you meet her in the hallway and
then another person accidentally bumped you in passing. You will respond
more quickly and strongly to being bumped than to being complimented, even if
the person who knocked into you immediately apologizes. You have little
power over those instinctual reactions. In fact, your mood will be altered
longer from a bump than a compliment and you will remember it longer.
Why? Not because you are a negatively inclined person, but because your
strongest, most primal instinct is for survival. That instinct is hardwired
into your brain so that, even in modern circumstances, your swiftest, most
pervasive reactions are to protect yourself from any sign of "danger." All
of your angry feelings are the visible surface of an underlying negative
feeling such as hurt or irritation that stem from some early circumstance in
your life where you felt in danger. The current source of your anger looks
similar to that earlier time.
When you react negatively, even with a briefly hardened face or a sharp tone
in one word, the other person instinctively escalates in a ping pong reaction
back and forth. It's easier for an interaction to degenerate into a difficult
time from one "bad" action than it is for the experience to rise from a
positive action.
Since you can't re-wire your brain to change your gut instinctual reactions,
you can compensate by appearing "safe" when you first meet and re-meet
people. Here's two valuable ways. First, move and speak slower, lower and
less at first so the other person can gain comfort and familiarity with the
situation, even if he already knows you and has had positive past experiences
with you. In the beginning, don't talk loud and quickly or move fast and
frequently, especially with high, quick arm gestures.
Such gestures also rob you of the appearance of power. If your voice is
lower and slower, your sentences shorter and your gestures are spare, then
the other person will accept your more quick and direct body motions and
verbal suggestions later on., even thought they probably won't be conscious
of why.
Second, since people instinctively like people who are somehow like them,
demonstrate the part of you which is most like them. Refer to common
experiences, background or places. Adjust your voice level and rate and
amount and kind of body motion to become more like theirs. Children do this
instinctively. Only as we get older do we lose the instinct to adapt to
another's behavioral style.
Here are some other suggestions for gaining and holding another's attention.
1. Be vividly specific. A specific detail or example proves a general
conclusion, not the reverse. A vivid, specific detail is memorable, while a
general statement is less credible and easily forgotten. Ironically, most
adult conversation and advertising is general. Children are more likely to be
vividly specific and thus more memorable. When you want to be heard and
remembered, characterize your information or request with a vivid, specific
detail, example, story or contrasting options. Involve words that relate to
the senses. For example "beautiful color" is not as vivid as "blue" which is
not as vivid as "cobalt blue."
2. Be "plainly clear." Avoid wearing patterned clothing or other detail on
your clothing, especially on the upper half of the body, because it will
shorten the attention span of the person with whom you are speaking.
3. Look for the underlying issue. When you are arguing for more than ten
minutes, you are probably not discussing the real conflict and are thus
unlikely to get it resolved in the discussion. Look for the underlying
issue. Read Robert Bromson's idea-packed book, Dealing With Difficult people,e
for ideas about how to recognize specific difficult behaviors and adopt
behaviors to protect yourself from them.
4. Deepen their commitment before you ask for more. The more time, actions or
other effort someone has put into something, someone or some course of
action, the more deeply they believe in it, will defend it and will work on
it some more. If you want more from the other person, wait until he has
invested more time, energy, money or other resources to ask for it.
5. Bring out their best side. If a person likes they way he acts when he is
around you, he often sees the qualities in you that he most admires. The
opposite is also true. Pick the moments when someone feels most at ease and
happy, to move the relationship forward. Don't make suggestions or requests
when they are acting in an unbecoming way. Your efforts will only backfire.
Praise the behavior you want to flourish.
6. Move to motivate.
Motion activates emotion and makes experiences more memorable. Motion
attracts attention and causes people to remember more of what's happening and
feel more strongly about it, for better or for worse. Get others involved in
motions with you that create goodwill: walking, sharing a meal, handing or
receiving a gift, shaking hands, turning to face a new scene. You are more
likely to literally get "in sync." That is, your vital signs become more
similar: eye pupil dilation, skin temperature and heart beat.
Getting What You Want : How to Reach Agreement and Resolve Conflict Every Time
Gut instincts expert, author, and speaker Kare Anderson is an upbeat conference opener or closing keynoter.
Her warmth, memorably titled tips such as "Go Slow to Go
Fast," dry wit, and frequent references to the situations of
hottest interest to attendees, cause people to leave laughing
and talking about what they've heard.
Learn ways to "Say It Better" in how you speak, appear, write, and
create the work and other settings of your life. Whether you want to
learn ways to lead, persuade, negotiate, sell, resolve conflict, or design
a compelling physical setting, Say it Better is the place to visit again
and again to see the latest ideas from our growing list of expert
contributors.
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Sausalito, CA 94954-2464.
http://www.sayitbetter.com
KARE ANDERSON : kare@sayitbetter.com
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