The number one reason people get fired in the U.S. is anger and the number
one problem people say they have at work is they do not feel heard and
respected. How do we make people feel heard when they are difficult to be
around -- and still stand up for ourselves?
If the only tool you have is a hammer, you treat everything like a nail.
Here's some more "tools" to add to your "toolbox" for the next time someone
is upset and taking it out on you. None will work all the time, some will
work better for your personality style than others.
Here's some suggestions:
Lighten Up.
When others act "hot" we tend to either escalate (become like them and get
loud, more hostile or other mimicing reactions) or withdraw (poker face,
quiet down, etc.). Either approach gets us out of balance. Both reactions
are instinctively self protective but self sabataging because they are akin
to saying "I don't like your behavior -- therefore I am going to give you
more power." Instead, stay present and acknowledge that you heard them with
a pause or a nod without taking sides or using blaming language. Rather
than getting "hot" yourself by moving or talking louder or faster, stay
"cool" and take a few breaths while maintaining eye contact. This will buy
you time to think out what you want to do and prove that you've heard them.
You can acknowledge by saying "I understand there's a concern" (rather than I
understand you're upset -- which is emotion laden language.) Your goal is
to de - escalate conflict. Try to "warm up" to the part of the person you
can respect: focus on it mentally and refer to it verbally: "You are so
"dedicated", or "knowledgeable", or whatever their self - image is which
leads them twoards rationalizing their behavior. Then say, "May I tell you
my perspective?" This sets them up to give you permission to state your
view.
Presume Innocence
Nobody wants to be told they are wrong. When ever you have reason to believe
someone is not making sense or lying, you will not build rapport by pointing
it out to them. Allow them to save face and keep asking questions until you
lose imagination or control. Say, for example, "How does that relate to the
. . .(then state the apparently conflicting information.) You may find you
were wrong and you thus "save face." Or, by continued non - threatening
questions, you can "softly corner" them into self correcting which will
protect your future relationship.
Look to Their Positive Intent, Especially When They Appear to Have None
Note the human inclination in arguments to mentally focus on the smart,
thoughtful and "right" things you are doing while obsessing about the dumb,
rude and "wrong" things they are doing. This tendancy leads us to take a
superior or righteous position, get more rigid and listen less. Difficult as
you may find it, try staying mindful of your worst side and their best side
as you find yourself falling into an escalating argument. You will probably
be more generous and patient with them, and increase the chances.
Dump Their Stuff Back in Their Lap
If someone is dumping on you, do not interrupt, counter or counter attack.
When they are done, ask "Is there is any thing else you want to add?" Then
say, "What would make this situation better?" or "How can we improve this
situation in a way you believe we can both accept?" Ask them to propose a
solution to the issue they have raised. If they continue to complain or
attack, acknowledge you heard them each time and , like a broken record,
repeat yourself in increasingly brief language variations: "What will make
it better?" Do not attempt to solve problems others raise. They will make
wrong.
For more tips on communication see Kare's web site: http://www.sayitbetter.com.
To contact her regarding speaking at your conference contact her at 415/331-6336 or kare@sayitbetter.com
Getting What You Want : How to Reach Agreement and Resolve Conflict Every Time
Gut instincts expert, author, and speaker Kare Anderson is an upbeat conference opener or closing keynoter.
Her warmth, memorably titled tips such as "Go Slow to Go
Fast," dry wit, and frequent references to the situations of
hottest interest to attendees, cause people to leave laughing
and talking about what they've heard.
Learn ways to "Say It Better" in how you speak, appear, write, and
create the work and other settings of your life. Whether you want to
learn ways to lead, persuade, negotiate, sell, resolve conflict, or design
a compelling physical setting, Say it Better is the place to visit again
and again to see the latest ideas from our growing list of expert
contributors.
SAY IT BETTER
15 Sausalito Blvd.
Sausalito, CA 94954-2464.
http://www.sayitbetter.com
KARE ANDERSON : kare@sayitbetter.com
Learn how to operate a profitable business on the internet. Our courses are created with gotta-have information by top experts. 
This database consists of newsletter publishers such as yourself open to swapping ad space within their publication. Join forces to obtain a greater marketing reach at no cost.
Read over 200 comments on what your peers think are the important elements to entrepreneurial success in the future. 
Recommend this page