Have you noticed that when someone is acting like a jerk,
you are likely to point out that behavior to her by your
words or tone of voice? And then she goes out of her way to
prove it to you some more? Why? Because our biggest gut
instinct is for survival. That primitive, instinctual
reaction causes us to escalate situations in which we are
unhappy, or to withdraw and complain to others. More
negotiations break down over ego differences than over
content differences.
Ironically, the person who has the most to teach you right
now is the person you perceive to be the biggest jerk in
your life. Understanding how you can have more positively
powerful reactions to their difficult behavior will give you
more options around that person and others who also prove
difficult. Consider that "jerk" your boot camp, from which
you can graduate to living a less stressful and more
satisfying life.
Don't let somebody else determine your behavior. The
sweetest revenge is a well-lived life.
Burning or Building Bridges
The sign of a positively powerful person is that she can
often turn a situation around and bring out the "jerk's"
good side, even deepening the relationship in the process.
When you act to let someone self-correct and save face,
instead of withdrawing to complain or escalating "in
defense" and telling them to change, you can deepen that
person's trust and her loyalty to you. You can build
unlikely allies and friends.
Unless someone feels safe with you, they will literally not
be able to hear you as well, let alone be inclined to
respond.
Get Along by Reading Their "Operating
Manual"
What causes people to like you and agree with you? The
two main predictors of someone's behavior twoard you are:
- Their "operating manual," which they are constantly
showing you by their strongest reactions to others
The manner in which they characterize the "good" and
"bad" behaviors of others
You must learn where people put their most intense energy
and attention:
# 1. Their hot buttons or blind spots (what makes them
angry or afraid)
# 2. Their points of pride (what makes them happy or
confident )
You will find it more difficult to recognize these two areas
in people for whom you already have strong negative or
positive feelings. It is easier to determine the areas in
people you know less well or feel less strongly about. You
can build a connection with someone when you
either
#1. Help them through times that bring up their "hot
buttons" or
#2. Align with one of the parts of themselves they most
like.
When someone feels good about himself when he is
around you, he will instinctively see in you the qualities
he most admires in others, some of which you may never
demonstrate that you actually have. He may also give you
credit for things in which you've played only a minor role.
He may go out of his way to help you, even putting your
needs and interests ahead of his own.
If, on the other hand, he does not like the way he acts when
he is around you, he will blame you for it, more than he is
consciously aware. He will see in you some of the qualities
he does not like in others. He may not give you credit for
your accomplishments. He may instinctively
undermine your work, even when such sabotage will also hurt
him.
Here are some tips to building genuine good will and
enduring relationships:
Make Them Shine
If people don't like the way they are when they are around
you, they will blame you for it – and not be aware they are
doing so. They will sabotage projects on which you're
working -- even to their own detriment. They will fail to
give you credit and see qualities in you they don't like in
other people. On the other hand, if people like
the way they are when they are around you, they will see in
you the qualities they like in other people (even if you
don't demonstrate you have them), give you generous credit,
and go out of their way to help you.
Give Up Front
To show your commitment to reaching agreement, offer
something up front, unasked.
Demonstrate Consistent, Visible Good Will
As a daily habit to all, not just to "important contacts,"
remember people form first impressions in the first seven to
twenty seconds, which take a significant emotional event to
change.
Offer "More of the Same" as You Ask People to
Change
People don't like to change. People are most likely to
change when:
* You are able to demonstrate how your request is an
extension of their values, self image, or prior actions,
or
* Others they respect have already done something similar –
not when you are asking them to do something
"new."
Ask The Best Question in the World
What's the single most effective question you can ask?
Men: Whenever you ask any woman (co-worker,
family member, vendor. . .) this question, you will bring
out her better side – and make life happier for you! Keep
reading.
Deepen Their Commitment Before You Ask for Support or a
Sale
The more time a person has spent on a project, prospective
purchase, sale, or relationship, the less likely they are to
withdraw. Further, the more actions people take on behalf of
a belief, the more intensely they will believe it.
If you want to make your customers more articulate, loyal
advocates who are more likely to praise your product to
others, try these steps with them.
Ask what they like best about your product or
service. As they answer, be a complete listener,
who leans into the conversation, with full eye attention.
When the speaker is finished, ask the best all-round
question to make them like you – and your product –
more. (See "Best All-Round Question.") Then thank them
for their views and ask if you can share their thoughts with
your co-workers to further improve your product. Could they
write down their views in just a sentence or two? Each step
deepens their belief and helps them hone their argument.
People are always more inclined to buy for their reasons,
not yours. You've just helped them be more aware and
committed to their reasons, thus more likely to suggest that
others also buy.
Best All-Round Question You Can Ask to Show
Respect: "Tell me more about that?"
Ask this versatile question when you want to strengthen, not
fray a relationship. Such situations might include
these:
* You are spitting mad and need to cool down
* You have a blank mind and want to re-group
* You want to make her more committed to what she is
discussing
Getting What You Want : How to Reach Agreement and Resolve Conflict Every Time
Gut instincts expert, author, and speaker Kare Anderson is an upbeat conference opener or closing keynoter.
Her warmth, memorably titled tips such as "Go Slow to Go
Fast," dry wit, and frequent references to the situations of
hottest interest to attendees, cause people to leave laughing
and talking about what they've heard.
Learn ways to "Say It Better" in how you speak, appear, write, and
create the work and other settings of your life. Whether you want to
learn ways to lead, persuade, negotiate, sell, resolve conflict, or design
a compelling physical setting, Say it Better is the place to visit again
and again to see the latest ideas from our growing list of expert
contributors.
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http://www.sayitbetter.com
KARE ANDERSON : kare@sayitbetter.com
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