I was bleary-eyed at 6:00 AM, logging on to AOL to respond to a few e-mail
messages before my babies woke-up. The morning after I send out my
bimonthly on-line newsletter usually brings a slew of e-mail communications
and I like to get an early start on those days. When I opened a message
from a particularly devoted reader, I was disturbed to see: "I just read
the most recent newsletter. It isn't up to your standard." Reading
further, I learned that she had not experienced the humor and helpful tips
she was accustomed to receiving from my newsletter and she was disappointed
in me.
My reflexive response was to feel hurt, shame, and fear. The mental noise
began immediately: "Maybe this issue isn't any good at all. What if
everyone on the newsletter list feels the same way?" (1400 people.) "Gee, I
remember offering lots of helpful tips - what is she talking about?" I
re-read her critique carefully, and then examined the newsletter. No
typos, filled with useful information - (though some of it wouldn't be
relevant to her), and I purposefully don't include humor in every issue.
Had I fallen short in a larger way that I needed to pay attention to, or,
did I simply fail to meet this woman's preferences and needs, in this
particular issue?
(It turns out - cyberspace only delivered half of this newsletter to
subscribers. This woman assumed I had done a poor job, rather than letting
me know there had been a cyber-glitch).
My memory shifted to a couple's workshop I facilitated a few days ago. It
was magic. Evaluation forms with perfect "tens", hugs and effusive
thank-you's from most participants. And yet, what stuck with me for days
was one woman's comments on the evaluation form: "You need a new wardrobe."
The rest of her evaluation form was extremely positive, but she didn't
like my dress. Did I need to re-evaluate my entire wardrobe, or had I
simply failed to meet this woman's standards for what a professional
speaker should be wearing at this particular retreat?
Despair washed over me as I imagined thousands of clients, subscribers,
readers, and audience members holding their personal standards up for me to
maintain; Looking at me with expectation and judgment as they cast their
vote for what I should and shouldn't be writing, speaking, wearing, even
thinking. How would I ever satisfy so many individual standards for my
behavior? And then I realized: My subscriber said: "This newsletter
isn't up to your standard." But it was. As an entrepreneur, I set my own
standards, and I was satisfied. It was this woman's standards that I
hadn't met, not mine.
For fifteen years, as a Human Resources professional in large corporations,
I was the "standards police-woman." I wrote all the company policies, and
guided supervisors when they put employees on disciplinary warning for not
abiding by those policies. The rules and expectations were fairly clear.
If you didn't abide by the company's stated expectations, you were out the
door.
As a self-employed professional, the standards you set are mostly of your
own making. Professional associations demand compliance with ethical
standards of behavior. Other than that, you set expectations of yourself
and then develop your own standards for measuring the success or failure of
your efforts. Your colleagues give you a yardstick to measure yourself
against, but comparisons can be misleading.
So, when someone criticizes your work, carefully consider their feedback,
but you may, or may not change your standards accordingly. Ask yourself
these six questions:
1) Did I fall short of my own expectations and demands for delivering a
quality product?
2) Did I give this project less than my best?
3) Is the criticism I am receiving consistent over time, from more than one
person, and/or from someone I want to be sure to satisfy?
4) Are they making a fair and reasonable request? Will the quality of my
product or service be improved by their feedback?
5) Does this feedback inspire me to raise my standards and move to a higher
level?
6) In order to satisfy this person's critique, will I be a traitor to my
own standards for success, or to the needs of my other constituents?
Condemnation from anyone in your life, be it business colleagues, clients,
spouse, or family, always brings pain and opportunity. We can, at any
moment, use another's disapproval to elevate our standards for performance,
or to affirm our worth to ourselves in the face of critical judgment. If
we accept the fact that we will never completely meet other people's
standards for our behavior, the central question becomes, are we meeting
our own?
Azriela Jaffe - az@azriela.com
Author, Speaker, Columnist, Business Coach
Azriela Jaffe is the nation's leading expert on entrepreneurial couples, and highly sought after by the media for her expertise on the emotional, interpersonal, marital and family concerns of self-employed professionals, entrepreneurial couples, and business partners. She is one of the country's foremost spokespersons on work/family concerns. Azriela is also a recognized expert in reconciling differing levels of Jewish observance in marriage and extended family.
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