I join with a group for religious study a few times a month. One morning,
one of the members shared a story she heard told by renowned scholar and
author, Rabbi Abraham Twerski. I found the story quite thought provoking -
I'll paraphrase it for you:
Rabbi Twerski announced that the trouble with today's marriages is that we
only have "fish love" between us and our spouses. What's fish love?
Consider this: A man is diving into his fish dinner with great gusto,
thoroughly enjoying his heaping portion of succulent fresh fish. Another
gentleman is watching from a distance, fascinated by the expressions of
great delight coming from the eater. As he passes by, he mentions to the
gentleman, "It seems like you are really enjoying that fish dinner." The
gentleman replies enthusiastically, "I love fish!" In response, the other
man says: "If you love fish so much, why did you allow this fish to be
taken from the ocean and killed, just for your consumption?"
Rabbi Twersky goes on to teach: "That man doesn't really love fish. He
loves the way the fish makes him feel. He is really loving himself. And
so it is with the love in our marriages and families. We declare that we
"love" our spouses and our children. And yet, do we love our spouse and
children for who they truly are, or only, for how good they make us feel?"
Since none of us are saints, our loving of one another will always be, at
best, imperfect. It is impossible to disconnect our ego and personal needs
entirely from our relationships. But consider how we could impact our
families, clients, and ourselves, if we get our ego out of the way every
now and then. This applies equally to our business life, as well as our
family relationships.
For example, if you are a business owner: You profess to care a great deal
about your customers. You want them to be happy and to serve them well.
When you suspend for the moment your motive for profit, and your ego's need
for approval, what do you have left? Is there an element of your business
behavior that is motivated by the desire to serve, to do God's will, to do
excellent work? How would you behave differently in your daily business
activities if you truly "loved" your customer? Not "fish love " -
thinking only of how a happy customer will make you more money or earn you
respect and admiration - but really caring for your customer's quality of
life.
Without egos, entrepreneurial dreams are short-lived. We can't be fueled
entirely by the noble desire to serve God. Most of us have bills to pay
and we like feeling appreciated and respected. But here's what we can do:
When our basic emotional and physical needs are being met, we are freed to
offer a more generous kind of love to our families, friends, and business
associates. Let me share two examples:
Recently, a coaching client told me that she needed to end our coaching
relationship. She had come to consider me a friend, and she wanted to be
my peer, not my client. She wanted to develop a relationship with me that
wasn't based on paying me for my services. If I were only offering my
client "fish love," I would have focused on the disappearance of income,
and I might have tried to manipulate her to stay as a client. Instead, I
offered my client true love, supporting her decision to move on when she
determined it was in her best interest. I trusted that new opportunities
for income would arise, and I believed that she knew what was best for her
at this time.
Witness your interactions today, and look for an opportunity to unselfishly
serve a family member, friend, client, or business associate. You may find
that it gives you a deeper sense of satisfaction than any amount of
egotistical "fish love" ever could.
Azriela Jaffe - az@azriela.com
Author, Speaker, Columnist, Business Coach
Azriela Jaffe is the nation's leading expert on entrepreneurial couples, and highly sought after by the media for her expertise on the emotional, interpersonal, marital and family concerns of self-employed professionals, entrepreneurial couples, and business partners. She is one of the country's foremost spokespersons on work/family concerns. Azriela is also a recognized expert in reconciling differing levels of Jewish observance in marriage and extended family.
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